u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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