just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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