I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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