I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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