I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
