Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
