1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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