but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
