o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Your cock deserves a montage
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
