i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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