in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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