Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
