We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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