So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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