I'm sorry my penis didn't work
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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