i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
