I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
