Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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