your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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