I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
