He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
