I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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