His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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