and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
