I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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