the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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