just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize