Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
