Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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