dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize