toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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