Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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