So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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