I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
