the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
