speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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