I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
