I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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