I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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