this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
