I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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