you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
