I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
