my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
