I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
