you told grandpa to call you daddy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
