I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize