Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
