I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
