3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
