Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
