Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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