She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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