I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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