Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
