I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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